journal entry, mostly

When I was in Germany, I often felt as though I'd lost my footing.  It was like walking on a gravel path in thin shoes-- I could feel every small shift and bump along the way.  There were days that I didn't want to open the shades on my window, put on the thin shoes, and continue on down that path.  There were also the exquisite days where I seemed to be floating. I'd look around and think, "How did I get here?! Here I am, learning, living, and progressing in another country."  Visiting vineyards with friends and putting my face toward the sun, or watching the sunlight beat on my glass of wine, sitting around a table in an impossibly adorable town square.  Commuting over the Rhine River each day as the sun came up.  Stumbling upon adventures and new friends over the course of the year.

Since returning to America, I've often felt like I'm in recovery mode. It took me longer to find my rhythm than I anticipated.  I don't enjoy feeling disheveled or having to search for my confidence that once ran through me so deeply.  I can see all of the areas of my life I'd like to continue to improve, or to bring back up to standard, and while I'm at least now settled back into DC, I somehow haven't kept in touch with some of the people and things that mean the most to me.

I took myself out to coffee on Saturday afternoon along with a notebook and a pen. I sat down to write about my goals, my values, and the steps I can take to ensure that I am always moving in a positive direction and hopefully using what God has blessed me with to do good in this world.  And then on Saturday night, Jenny and I went to a birthday party, and I found myself listening to country music, having good conversation, and smiling from genuine happiness. I never thought I'd say it, but country music sets me right.  Something just clicked in my head, and today suddenly I am awake.  Part of what I'd lost in myself has been restored, and I remembered that it's not all about me. It's about caring about people, appreciating everyone for the weirdos we all are. 

So to my family, to my dear friends, to the people I will cross paths with: I will do better to treat you as part of myself, to focus on you, to do the best I can for you. 

Love always.

Eric Church: Hell On The Heart from Adam Hall on Vimeo.