I was recently informed I am just a friend. I do not write on here about my love life because for me that is a personal topic. Though by now I could tell a good many stories about my dating life, the stress of the constant updates I'd have to write is enough in itself to keep me from doing so.
I'm a tough critic when it comes to matters of the heart. I have turned down many perfectly lovely and remarkably GOOD guys. I don't really know why I do that, but I do it nonetheless. Like so many American girls, I over-analyze my body and make comparisons to others around me, wondering if I have what it takes to be attractive. A compliment from a nice man stays with me and does brighten any day. A compliment on my shoes or cute haircut (don't even make me tell you how long it's been since I last cut my hair) from a fellow woman I also appreciate. I have been in deeply in love. I have felt completely shattered by someone I didn't even love. I have had moments lacking entirely of any confidence. I don't whine about being single because I think it's a phenomenal chance for other things. Sometimes when I lay down to go to sleep at night I wish I had familiar arms to hold me close. I essentially become dumb and mute around men to whom I'm attracted only for good looks, and I get metaphorically sick feeling when I know a good man likes me. Why is that?
I go on dates for fun, not to fulfill expectations or wish for a future. I like to see where things go and approach each experience as it comes. And, on the rare occasion, I meet a man around whom I don't feel uncomfortable, unattracted, unattractive, etc etc etc, and for whom I apparently create the same effect. And I recently was informed in one such case, a case made extremely blurry and difficult to navigate given the huge ocean between our physical locations, that despite it all ("it all" will not be detailed here), I am nothing more than a friend. And just like that, I was wiped off the face of his map.
I did not hound. I did not pity. I did not demand an explanation. I did not flood his email inbox, trying to grab for any last lingering bits of attention he might throw my way. But I am not treated as a friend. It takes two to be friends, and simply saying "friends" is not enough to be so. My friends did not put me on hold because I chose to move to Germany, and we find ways to keep in touch-- even little ways. I am not a woman that will allow myself to be dropped by any man just to be scooped back up again at his convenience- romantically or otherwise.
My world is moving. and
fast. While I wish I had the time and energy to figure out just what went on here, I really don't. It's entirely possible that I've broken some unwritten rule about how a woman should be -- too big in the hips, too small in the chest, too tall, too slim, too open, too quiet, too pushy, too indecisive, too opinionated, too nice, too sarcastic, too into one hobby or another, not enough into some other hobby or another -- who knows, but I think in this case I've been dropped for distance and replaced by something closer, more convenient. And unfortunately instead of the truth, I received the thing that hurts me the very most when it comes to romance- the phase out.
This is the only time I'll ever bother you with a vague tale from my love life that really reveals nothing whatsoever. Thank you for having the patience to let me write what turned out to be more of a journal entry. I promise you that my disappointment I have in the characteristics this particular person has revealed to me are GREATLY overshadowed by what a spectacular experience I am having here in Germany. I value the friendship I built with him this fall when I really needed the people in my life to lean on as I experienced for the first time what real culture-shock is, even if that bond proved temporary. The trips I have taken, the job I am doing, the friends I have made, the experiences which lay ahead, and the understanding I have developed are worth absolutely more than any one, small let-down.
I wish him the best. I really do. Maybe down the road we will actually be friends.
And now, this case is closed. Next stop: swimming pool, Frankfurt skyline, friends, another fantastic weekend abroad, and maybe even additional stories to add to my dating repetoire-- which I promise I will never reveal here :)
In my mind, I picture these words maybe coming from his mouth when he thinks about what we were:
"I did not want any external influence in my life. You know yourself, Harry, how independent I am by nature. I have always been my own master; had at least always been so, till I met Dorian Gray. Then-- but I don't know how to explain it to you. Something seemed to tell me that I was on the verge of a terrible crisis in my life. I had a strange feeling that fate had in store for me exquisite joys and exquisite sorrows. I grew afraid and turned to quit the room. It was not conscience that made me do so: it was a sort of cowardice. I take no credit to myself for trying to escape."
-The Picture of Dorian Gray, written by Oscar Wilde
