This is by far the hardest move I've ever made. In hindsight, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. The funny thing is that it's not the language barrier or being on a different continent than normal that is difficult for me. I mean, yeah, my German language skills stink, but the German people are more than patient and I forever love them for that. No, what is most difficult is that I am battling homesickness for my working life. Isn't that weird? I missed it when I first got here, but everything was so new and fresh and I was constantly distracted by all sorts of adventures that I didn't really have time to think about how much I miss being an adult. How did this happen?
I don't feel old. I don't look old (errr?). I act like I've always acted. I don't feel like a kid either, and I shouldn't. What I miss is earning my way through my adventurous life. I get the greatest opportunities, I really do, and I'm so lucky, but I am out of my element here in Germany. So how do I create this life I love leading when I'm really starting from scratch? When I don't know how the society works? When I seem to be missing a vital piece of culture I'm living in?
I am the kind of person who, when I do something, I do it with all of my heart and all of my determination. And I like to do things well. No, I can't stand not giving what I do my full attention and effort. Probably to a fault, because sometimes this keeps me from attempting things at all when I am unsure that I can produce the best possible outcome. If I'm not sure of myself, I stop caring so that I don't have to justify a less-than-the-best result.
Example: We ran a 5k for charity in Radolfzell as a team (all 18 of us!). I am not a good runner, and I don't enjoy it, but I certainly was going to run. All that was asked of us was to run at least 1 or 3 laps (each being 1.33 km), but I'm not going to start a race and not cross the finish line. I also knew that I probably couldn't actually run a 5k (I know, I know... but put me in a pool instead...) so I treated it as though I didn't care about it, and therefore I could justify stopping to walk 3 times instead of pushing through the pain and making it to the end. Nothing wrong with walking, except it wasn't the best I could do. It wasn't the best of my ability. I didn't allow myself to attempt the challenge before me.
And I can feel the same thing happening to my German life. It's a challenge that's defeating me in the first quarter of the game. But I have some game changing plays in the book, and it's beyond time to make the call. There are still 3 more quarters to play, and I'm going to be in for every snap. I'm going to be back in the States before I know it, in the midst of earning my way, and wishing I had more time here. I will not let this move I've made become a defeat... when it comes time to leave Germany, I'm going to be leaving a piece of my heart here.
I walked home from school today, the long way, thinking things through and deciding how I was going to make a great life here while I could. I turned a corner, and there was a girl, probably about 9 years old, about half a block ahead of me intently picking up something from the ground. Curious, as I kept walking nearer down the sidewalk, I saw that she had a fistful of pretty little wildflowers that she was diligently collecting from the ragged grass along the sidewalk where cars park outside of houses. I had to smile. One of the joys of my childhood was picking dandelion bouquets on my walk home from elementary school to bring home to my mom. In the Autumn, I'd bring her bouquets of collected, fallen leaves (only the prettiest). I wonder if this girl's mom was the recipient of today's wildflower bouquet. I picked the next little yellow flowers I saw, and walked the rest of the way home with a smile on my face knowing that Germany was going to be just fine. It simply deserves my diligence and absolutely requires my hard work. But what good things come without a challenge?
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